Myth #3 Fighting/Disagreeing Must Mean We Are Not Meant For Each Other

Research has found that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of “incompatibility” or disagreement that they will never resolve. That said, however, not all conflicts are created equal.

There are two very different types of conflict identified by marital researcher John Gottman of the University of Washington. “Perpetual Issues” tend to be fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle preferences that create conflict repeatedly. Common examples are disagreements over spending and household chores. “Gridlocked Issues,” on the other hand, have progressed to a point they can no longer be approached safely in conversation and are therefore avoided altogether.

Most couples have areas where they can “agree to disagree.” These are the Perpetual Issues. She hates the time and money he puts into playing golf but understands it is a great source of joy for him. He hates that she spends money on furniture he sees as pointless, but appreciates her investment in creating a nice home for the two of them. While they squawk at each other regularly over these issues, they do so in a way that communicates a core understanding and respect of the other person. Neither person is “right” or “wrong” in their desires. Being able to talk about their disagreements on an ongoing basis and still feel good about each other is key. The idea is to make peace with your differences as “opinions” versus making a value judgment about the other person because of their preference. These couples are able to realize lots of give and take is required to coexist happily.

Gridlocked issues, on the other hand, with outright avoidance of conflict and emotional intensity, predict divorce at a significantly higher rate. Gridlocked conflict is like being in relational bumper-to-bumper traffic – no movement and no compromise. Couples feel stuck and eventually come to see one another as enemies on either side of an issue. This type of conflict is characterized by defensiveness, blaming and contempt and feels circular with no exit ramp in sight. Issues are taken very personally and partners feel rejected by each other eventually becoming hurt, emotionally distant and disengaged.

Does this have to lead to divorce? Not necessarily, but it often does as couples drift away from the basic friendship/companionship that is the glue of relationships. Couples often wait too long to seek help resolving gridlocked issues and lose emotional, sexual and spiritual intimacy, the very things they married for in the first place. With work and outside help, couples can move gridlocked conflict into the more benign category of Perpetual Issues.

Marital Myth #2

Extra-marital Relationships are the Major Cause of Divorce

Tiger Woods is the most recent example of a well-regarded celebrity who betrayed his wife and public. Stories of affairs in the media, at work, church, and school, and our own close friends surround us. God forbid we are next. The nugget below can help us avoid becoming yet another statistic.

Psychiatrist Frank Pittman in his book, “Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy,” posited that with an infidelity rate matching the divorce rate that affairs are the major cause of divorce. There is no question that extra-marital affairs are a cause of divorce, and a cause of excruciating distress. However, Gigy and Kelly in the California Divorce Project Mediation Project discovered that 80 percent of the time, THE major cause of divorce is that people become emotionally distant and drift apart. Most often, the affair is a symptom of the failure of friendship and intimacy in the marriage. Affairs are less about sex than about finding someone who offers friendship and affection.

Couples are well advised to nurture their friendship. Make time to have fun together and to stay in touch emotionally through frequent conversation and rituals of connection, such as taking 5 minutes when you first see each other to check in with each other. As Dr. John Gottman put it, “Relationships end more by ice than by fire.”

Julianne Carlson, MFT

(818) 970-5531 juliannecc@sbcglobal.net